First, my condolences for your losses, Nicole. You've turned your life into a story for all of us, thank you. I've been terribly lonely in the last year after retiring from the nonprofit I founded (though lonely was only part of it). My solution was to find like-minded people, so I launched a series of free events on our acreage (https://dracohill.org/events/) in part to bring people together around a love of the land and food we grow here. And I'm joining the Unitarians, a radical move for someone with no church background, but they are fellow organizers and social justice fiends like me so I think it's a good idea. Your piece helps us remember there are plenty of others out there just like us.
Thank you, Susan. I still think about what might have been, but hope that talking openly about miscarriage drags that sadness into the light. Your acreage is so dreamy! I love what you're doing. I'm on the opposite side of the state, but I'd love to visit someday!
Nicole, this is such an important message. Thank you for your grace and willingness to be vulnerable. I just cross-posted this to readers of my Potluck column with the suggestion it is a ‘must read.’
Eight years ago, I went to my 50th high school reunion in a town in NW Iowa. I was talking with another woman who I remembered as one of the “golden girls” - talented, beautiful, popular — and said this was the first reunion I had had the courage to come to. She asked why and I said I had felt marginalized and lonely in high school. She responded with amazement “You?!!” I realized at that moment that even those thought were the most connected also felt marginalized and lonely. Later in the day there were two other women that I didn’t remember — even their names— and this out of a class of 75 — and realized that they were even more marginalized than I had been. Somewhere along the line much later in life I learned that the way not to be lonely is to reach out to someone even more lonely, and then neither of you is as lonely.
"The way not to be lonely is to reach out to someone even more lonely, and then neither of you is as lonely." Yes! I think you are exactly right. Hard to do, but powerful.
First off, I think you handled that woman in your church with much grace. My dad served as a pastor for eight years in a little mountain church, and I have seen that being a pastor's wife can be such a lonely position. Your post also resonated with me as I had to contemplate our friend/family list. Thank you for giving me courage to widen my circle!
Thank you for joining the conversation, Jolina. I'm so glad the article connected. And thanks for seeing me as a pastor's wife. I hold absolutely no ill will toward the woman who confronted me. She was hurting and shared it with me; as a result, I am changed.
I am always in awe of those willing to be vulnerable in a private setting, let alone a public one.
It is such a risk, but the risk is the price we pay to find deep relationship and to build real community. Thank you for taking this risk today, Nicole. Beautifully expressed and a powerful invitation to find friendship and connection.
Very relatable. I retired 4 years ago and now find myself chatting up my chihuahua. Although he’s quite pleased, I can tell you, it’s not the same. This is a beautifully-written piece. Thanks for posting this!
“And so we stay trapped in our misinterpretation that we are alone because we deserve to be, because everyone is blissfully attached and disinterested in widening their circle.” Yes so much truth in my 41 years of life. As someone that works, lives between a lot of different communities and social circles I’ve never been able to really have a secure group, place, or maybe a label of where I fit I have struggled with this over the years.
We struggled so much with that when we lived in BC! We lived, worked, worshipped, and played in different communities--and felt like we belonged nowhere. I hope you can find a place to settle a bit, or at least find some stable community!
That was great, Nicole. I can relate on so many levels.
Your story about the member of the congregation reminded me of a homily I heard a Catholic priest give years ago. He was a new priest at a small parish and there was a woman who lived alone near the church. She belonged to the parish but never came to church. He reached out to her. The woman had divorced years earlier and though she couldn't go to church anymore but no one had reached out to or supported her until then. Just really sad. Faith should help one build bridges, not walls. It just took the one priest asking her to build that bridge.
Thank you for this heartfelt relatable article. I have found myself letting work get in the way of taking time for friends. We all need companionship it is in our genes to connect. I hope to remedy that this year and become more involved with those I care about.
I’m so grateful this resonated with you. And I hope you find rich community as you seek to reconnect! I’m in the middle of a similar season… It’s been good for my soul.
Communication is a two-way dynamic. That is a personal mantra. I once invited someone to attend a little gathering of college friends. She was very reluctant. I said just come along, after an hour we can leave. Well, we stayed several hours. Getting out of our rut, shell or recliner is therapy. Sadly, many wonderful community organizations are dwindling as people are not "joiners." Being involved with something better than myself is a motivator. I realized that we all have times of being "apart people." That is a term used by Harper Lee and Truman Capote from their childhood friendship days. Everyone has a need to be apart but it can become pathological and destructive. Nicole has many good insights. I think it was best for the mean girl to leave the congregation. Thank your for a voice of reason from NW Iowa.
I love the term "apart people." And I do cherish my alone time. But you're right, we were made for community and connection--for "joining." I fear sometimes that our individualistic society is losing sight of the importance of meaningful relationships at all levels. Even a quick chat with the barista at your local coffee shop is life-giving and important!
Thanks for sharing your story and encouragement of ways to expand circles. My sympathies for your past losses. Loneliness is indeed something that touches everyone. If someone says they have never been lonely, I think they are either in denial or lying.
First, my condolences for your losses, Nicole. You've turned your life into a story for all of us, thank you. I've been terribly lonely in the last year after retiring from the nonprofit I founded (though lonely was only part of it). My solution was to find like-minded people, so I launched a series of free events on our acreage (https://dracohill.org/events/) in part to bring people together around a love of the land and food we grow here. And I'm joining the Unitarians, a radical move for someone with no church background, but they are fellow organizers and social justice fiends like me so I think it's a good idea. Your piece helps us remember there are plenty of others out there just like us.
Thank you, Susan. I still think about what might have been, but hope that talking openly about miscarriage drags that sadness into the light. Your acreage is so dreamy! I love what you're doing. I'm on the opposite side of the state, but I'd love to visit someday!
Please do! We have a spare room!
Nicole, this is such an important message. Thank you for your grace and willingness to be vulnerable. I just cross-posted this to readers of my Potluck column with the suggestion it is a ‘must read.’
Thank you so much, Julie. I'm so grateful for your encouragement and support.
Eight years ago, I went to my 50th high school reunion in a town in NW Iowa. I was talking with another woman who I remembered as one of the “golden girls” - talented, beautiful, popular — and said this was the first reunion I had had the courage to come to. She asked why and I said I had felt marginalized and lonely in high school. She responded with amazement “You?!!” I realized at that moment that even those thought were the most connected also felt marginalized and lonely. Later in the day there were two other women that I didn’t remember — even their names— and this out of a class of 75 — and realized that they were even more marginalized than I had been. Somewhere along the line much later in life I learned that the way not to be lonely is to reach out to someone even more lonely, and then neither of you is as lonely.
"The way not to be lonely is to reach out to someone even more lonely, and then neither of you is as lonely." Yes! I think you are exactly right. Hard to do, but powerful.
First off, I think you handled that woman in your church with much grace. My dad served as a pastor for eight years in a little mountain church, and I have seen that being a pastor's wife can be such a lonely position. Your post also resonated with me as I had to contemplate our friend/family list. Thank you for giving me courage to widen my circle!
Thank you for joining the conversation, Jolina. I'm so glad the article connected. And thanks for seeing me as a pastor's wife. I hold absolutely no ill will toward the woman who confronted me. She was hurting and shared it with me; as a result, I am changed.
I am always in awe of those willing to be vulnerable in a private setting, let alone a public one.
It is such a risk, but the risk is the price we pay to find deep relationship and to build real community. Thank you for taking this risk today, Nicole. Beautifully expressed and a powerful invitation to find friendship and connection.
Thanks for reading, Virginia. I may be a bit of an oversharer. 🤦🏼♀️
Julie, This is excellent and so very true! Thanks to Nicole for writing this and thanks to you for sending it on!!
So glad it resonated, Marcia. Thanks for reading.
Very relatable. I retired 4 years ago and now find myself chatting up my chihuahua. Although he’s quite pleased, I can tell you, it’s not the same. This is a beautifully-written piece. Thanks for posting this!
I have two dogs and they get a lot of my attention! (I also talk to my plants, but don't tell anyone that. 😉)
“And so we stay trapped in our misinterpretation that we are alone because we deserve to be, because everyone is blissfully attached and disinterested in widening their circle.” Yes so much truth in my 41 years of life. As someone that works, lives between a lot of different communities and social circles I’ve never been able to really have a secure group, place, or maybe a label of where I fit I have struggled with this over the years.
We struggled so much with that when we lived in BC! We lived, worked, worshipped, and played in different communities--and felt like we belonged nowhere. I hope you can find a place to settle a bit, or at least find some stable community!
That was great, Nicole. I can relate on so many levels.
Your story about the member of the congregation reminded me of a homily I heard a Catholic priest give years ago. He was a new priest at a small parish and there was a woman who lived alone near the church. She belonged to the parish but never came to church. He reached out to her. The woman had divorced years earlier and though she couldn't go to church anymore but no one had reached out to or supported her until then. Just really sad. Faith should help one build bridges, not walls. It just took the one priest asking her to build that bridge.
Oh, that's such a sad and beautiful story! I'm so glad he reached out to her. It's a good reminder for me to open my eyes...
Thank you for this heartfelt relatable article. I have found myself letting work get in the way of taking time for friends. We all need companionship it is in our genes to connect. I hope to remedy that this year and become more involved with those I care about.
I’m so grateful this resonated with you. And I hope you find rich community as you seek to reconnect! I’m in the middle of a similar season… It’s been good for my soul.
Communication is a two-way dynamic. That is a personal mantra. I once invited someone to attend a little gathering of college friends. She was very reluctant. I said just come along, after an hour we can leave. Well, we stayed several hours. Getting out of our rut, shell or recliner is therapy. Sadly, many wonderful community organizations are dwindling as people are not "joiners." Being involved with something better than myself is a motivator. I realized that we all have times of being "apart people." That is a term used by Harper Lee and Truman Capote from their childhood friendship days. Everyone has a need to be apart but it can become pathological and destructive. Nicole has many good insights. I think it was best for the mean girl to leave the congregation. Thank your for a voice of reason from NW Iowa.
I love the term "apart people." And I do cherish my alone time. But you're right, we were made for community and connection--for "joining." I fear sometimes that our individualistic society is losing sight of the importance of meaningful relationships at all levels. Even a quick chat with the barista at your local coffee shop is life-giving and important!
Thanks for sharing your story and encouragement of ways to expand circles. My sympathies for your past losses. Loneliness is indeed something that touches everyone. If someone says they have never been lonely, I think they are either in denial or lying.
Terrific column on a difficult topic. Thanks for sharing your story!